How to drive in San Antonio

This was forwarded to us…too funny!


How to drive in San Antonio-

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name. It is: “San Tone”.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour
is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop
1604, your speed is expected to at least match the highway number.
Anything less is considered “Wussy”.

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. San Antonio has its
own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest
muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires
go second. However; SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the
right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended,
cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It’s another offense that can
get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in San Antonio. Detour
barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the
night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs,
barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires,
squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners,
rattlesnakes, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.

9. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the
shoulder immediately to let them know it has been “accidentally

10. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone,
you are considered a road hazard and will be “flipped off” accordingly.
If you return the flip, you could be shot.

11. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your

12. True San Antonians ALWAYS seek to park in a shady spot, even before
the sun has risen, and no matter how far the parking space is from the
office/store/restaurant. This is why you will see cars widely scattered
around a parking lot instead of clustered in one place; these people
arrived early to park in covered spaces or under trees.

13. If the driver stopped in front of you at a red light suddenly opens
his passenger door, it is advisable to quickly avert your eyes before he
spits out his chewing tobacco.

14.  Last but for sure not least, when you are heading East on I-10 from
Boerne you are actually heading (driving) South on an interstate that
goes East & West?  Go figure…